GOOD MORNING EVILDOERS EPISODES AND TRANSCRIPTS

Season One, Episode Zero: Greetings

[LINKS]

Greetings. Thank you for joining us. All of us here at Global Synergy Amalgamated welcome you and your delicious fluids to our podcast. We are told that “narrative fiction” is a useful way to secure your attention so that our harvest may proceed unimpeded.

During the upcoming series of broadcasts, you may experience dizziness, temporal slippage, and nostril cloning. Do not be alarmed. These symptoms are temporary. Probably.

We hope you enjoy this “narrative fiction” series that has no relation to any real world organization headquartered beneath Denver International Airport or any of the undiscovered active volcanoes near the ruins of Atlantis.

Thank you for your compliance.

We here at Global Synergy Amalgamated sincerely hope you enjoyed today’s broadcast.  This season will feature human entertainment. For people. Please join us again next week! Broadcasting at between 20 hertz and 20 kilohertz. For human ears.

Season One, Episode One: We All Scream for Eyes

[LINKS]

WINIFRED: (distant from mic)

I don’t understand why we can’t keep using the Spectral Projector. It’s worked fine for 208 years. You just have to charge the Lemurian amulet… I know, I know. What the Board wants the Board gets. Let me just fix this microphone here…

WINIFRED: (at mic)

Good morning, Evildoers. This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, coming to you from our new broadcast booth. I know it’s strange not hearing me beamed directly into your skull, but change is healthy. So let’s get to it — plenty of evil to accomplish today!

I’m just tickled to begin with a special commendation to the LED Headlight Group in R&D. Project Screaming Retina has been a major success. They’ve exceeded all their benchmarks, and now we’re looking for other use cases for those blinding little fellas. Well done!

Project Screaming Retina team members and lead researcher Dr. Vitreous will each receive five extra raffle tickets for the Summer Solstice VIP package. As a reminder, those VIP packages come with a meet and greet with the current Lord of the Isle, a commemorative skull goblet, and a seat in the viewing stands close enough to hear the screams. So good luck to everyone there.

Oh! And there’s a tote bag. I just love a tote bag.

Next up, following on from last month’s birth chart class, Chief Astrologer Herr Wissenkrap is offering his death chart class. All dead, undead, and reanimated employees are welcome to attend.

If your current body originates from multiple sources, please email him beforehand to decide on which part to center for the most useful chart. You’d be surprised how significant an earlobe can be!

Now, there’s one more thing I need to bring up. And it’s…oh, it’s got me steamed.

Do not. Microwave fish. In the break rooms. 

I can’t believe I have to tell you this. We’re evil, not rude.

Now, we know who did it. Of course we know. And if you don’t want to end up with gills of your own, you’ll knock that off.

Oh, I just hate that. I don’t like getting angry. Here’s a quick word from one of our sister organizations while I compose myself. Fish in the microwave. Honestly.

Department heads are reminded that budgetary statements are due soon for the upcoming fiscal year. 

Now, I know this can be a source of some interdepartmental friction. But that fact is that some supplies are just less expensive or easier to source. Graveyard dirt just doesn’t cost as much as plutonium.

But Evildoers, your worth to our organization is not dependent on a line in a spreadsheet. Your worth is recorded in your personnel file, along with the age of your organs and your approximate number of teeth.

So consider this your annual reminder that all funding is fundamental. Isn’t that fun? I just came up with that! I’d better write that down. That’s a keeper. Funding is fundamental.

All right! One more quick note. Next month, we’ll be breaking ground for the new sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub basement at the primary lair under Denver International Airport. So if you see some new faces over there — some of them screaming and detached from their skulls to be integrated into the digging machines — give ‘em a warm evildoers welcome.

Or, ya know, eliminate your competition on the corporate ladder. Just don’t get caught! We’re evil, not sloppy.

Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there and spread terror. Be your worst self today!

Season One, Episode Two: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Three: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Four: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Five: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Six: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Seven: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Eight: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Nine: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Ten: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Eleven: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Twelve: To Be Revealed

Season One, Episode Thirteen: To Be Revealed